theory...

Behold - a typical meal time in our home...

standing...


walking around...


pestering her brother...

goofing off...

messing around under the table with the dog...

hanging off the table on her daddy's chair...

Do you think this might be why she's not gaining much weight?

sketch...

Anyone know who this is??



My friend (and husband of a very close friend) pulled this photograph from one of my facebook albums. I have to say, it is one of my favorite pictures of Ariana. He was messing around with pastels, which is not what he typically specializes in, and ended up with this piece of beautiful art. I think it's awesome. I love it. He is a very talented artist- you should see some of his paintings! He belongs in a gallery.

Here is the original...



Here is his comparison...

America's Choice

Time again for MckMama's...

I did not cook three frozen dinners...three nights in a row.... when hubby was out of town (for three nights) last week. Oh no- only freshly prepared meals here... all natural, all the time.

I did NOT wear the same pair of socks during the day... then to bed that night cause I was cold.... then the entire next day since I didn't feel like showering- or changing socks.... ewww! That would be so gross.

I have not found myself actually crawling into my little toddler's TODDLER-sized bed with her - (legs all crunched up to fit) when she wakes up in the middle of the night, because I am too tired to sit in the chair and rock her and too lazy to let her cry herself back to sleep.

And I did not ooh and ahhh at my son's artwork from church on Sunday and then turn around (when he wasn't looking) and stuff it in the recycling bin. Because that would be so cruel! No- not me! I'm that Mom who has her kids artwork framed and hanging all over the walls. Okay- actually, I'm not. But I wish I were!

But, speaking of framed photo's, I most certainly do not have empty frames all around my house (for the last several years) because I am too lazy to fill them with pictures...

And, even worse, I most certainly do not have pictures hanging on the wall (for the last 6 years) that have pictures of other random kids, that are not even my own, because I've neglected to change out the picture it came with to a picture of my own kid!! NO WAY! NOT ME!!!

Who are these kids??? I have no idea- but they sure aren't mine!!

sick baby.

Although it's past 9:30, here I sit in my jammies with my glasses on and my mug of coffee next to me typing away. Yes, it's Sunday morning. Yes, I would MUCH rather be at church. I don't like missing church, I miss it when I'm gone. But I've got a sick little girl on my hands... or in my lap, I should say. And yes, I can type and cuddle at the same time. I can do lots of things and type at the same time- as most mothers can.

Just when I thought I could take a deep sigh of relief over the stress of Ariana's tests, she comes down sick. And, in true "I don't want to make it obvious, just to keep you guessing" Ariana fashion, the origins of her illness are unknown. But after about $1,000 worth of torture and testing in the ER last night, what I can be pretty sure of, is that it's not bacterial- which is what I really wanted to know in the first place. And, just to clarify, I really feel that I've overcome that overly obnoxious, anxious "alarmist" mother in me... I got that out of my system with the first child- Grace really was such a trooper and endured many of (probably needless) visits to the clinic, urgent care and ER when she was a baby and toddler. However, Mike and I both agreed last evening that it was time to take Ariana in. After 3 full days of a fever ranging from 102-104, with no other signs to clue us in, we felt it was best if I brought her to urgent care (only cause the Pediatrician office was closed... why do these things always happen "after hours?"). When I took her temp last night and it finally reached 104.6- despite having given her meds, it was time to head in.

So when I arrived at Urgent care (which happens to be in our local hospital) they decided to send her over to the ER based on her high temp and her lethargic disposition. To make a ridiculously long story short- 3 hours, to be exact (thank goodness they've finally put TV's in the ER rooms)- it turns out that her infection is likely viral rather than bacterial- which is really all I wanted to know, anyway. I had to laugh because when I was talking with the ER Dr. he asked me if I was in the medical field. Puzzled I said no and asked him why. He said because I know an "awful lot of technical medical jargon." I found it funny because I thought- if you only knew me sir, you'd know how OCD I can become when it comes to things that matter to me. My kids health, politics, non-toxic living (ha!)- this lady knows her facts and terms!! ;)

So my poor little pumpkin had to have her blood drawn... for the second time in 1 week. And if that weren't bad enough, the first nurse butchered her arm with a huge IV needle. He was trying to line an IV in case she needed to be admitted. I didn't realize that's what he was doing. I thought he was just trying to take a vial of blood, and assumed he would just be using a butterfly needle (the smallest they make)... Nope, he was using a big huge horse needle. And, of course, after torturing her, he failed to get it. Next nurse comes in to give it a try. I see her pulling out another horse needle to line an IV- I was incredulous! What was she thinking?!? Before she stabbed Ariana with it, I intervened and insisted she use a butterfly needle and forget running an IV. She tried. She failed. More screaming. More tears. Finally- someone from the actual lab came down and got it almost immediately. Which was quite a relief.

All of that- for the simple diagnosis: Fever.

Right- so yes, in case you were wondering- I did feel like a bit of an idiot leaving the hospital after allowing my exhausted, sick daughter to be tortured with needles. But, in my defense, back up 3 hours and when I walked in, I did only want her to be seen by a Dr. in Urgent care. But the course of events became a bit out of my control.

So what is the moral of my story? Well- I don't really have one. But, that is the beauty of this blog. It is mine- and I can write meaningless, venting posts if I want to. It's rather therapeutic.

I just want my baby girl to get better. Trust me- this latest illness is doing nothing for the Haggan Dazs milkshakes, which have gone un-touched... as has every other food or drink I've offered her. We are not off to a good start in putting some meat on her bones! We are on day 4 of this fever and I just hope and pray she gets better soon.

Hoping your weekend is going much better!

come again??

Seriously. Does anyone know what this is? This came in our latest crop share box. I am scared. Leah- I'm counting on you, girl. Help me out. Can someone please name this alien vegetable for us??

Regardless of what it is, my husband has insisted that he is NOT eating it, and if I sneak it into some kind of dish he will revolt. Got it.

in which case less is definitely not more...

i forged ahead, one foot in front of the other. a woman on a mission.

i stopped at my first find... 4

nope. not good enough.

i continued on. next up... 8

much better, perhaps we have a winner?

being the never quite satisfied gal that i am, i decided to give it one more shot.

my last and final stop... 18.
BINGO!

And what on earth could I possibly be talking about?

Grams of fat, ladies. Grams of fat. That, my friends, is the number of grams of fat in Haagen-Dazs Vanilla ice cream per serving. (and fyi, a serving is a mere 1/2 a cup)

And why, again, was I going for more - as opposed to less?? Let me explain.

It started out a late starting, chaotic, crazy, loud, obnoxious typical morning in my house. And I thought I was off to a typical, routine, same ole same ole 2 year check up for my littlest one. We arrived merely a few minutes late (good, in my book), and we were not left waiting long. But after the height and weight and head size check - while we waited for the Dr. to see us- I sat my cherub face little angels down in a row on the floor of the exam room and opened up their favorite "on the go" snack (organic cheese balls, if you must know- and yes, they really do make "organic" even though I know it sounds like an oxymoron). Anyway- in walks the Pediatrician and we exchanged a few pleasantries.

But then it was down to business. I saw her brow furrow and heard the words... "I'm rather concerned about Ariana's growth pattern, or lack there of." Urgh... the words I'd been dreading since pretty much her 4 month check up. Concerned??? That's what I'VE been for the last year and half but everyone (including our Pediatrician) has continued to tell me she's just a half pint, just cute and petite. Well, in the last year - from 12 months until 24 months, she has grown only 4 inches and gained only 4 lbs. And now, apparently, her weight doesn't even land on the toddler charts, but comes in at 3% on the baby charts for her age. And her height is losing percentage points, as well.

Being the straight shooting girl that I am, I just told her to lay it on me- what could possibly be wrong with her. Well, the most obvious answer - she's not getting enough calories- was her first suggestion, but then after that came a list of other possibilities that was not sounding very encouraging. The list was fairly long- anything ranging from thyroid disorder or kidney dysfunction to cystic fibrosis or (gulp) leukemia. As you can imagine, my mind was reeling. She proceeded to order testing and after that the techs came in to take her blood. I was told she'd call me in an hour.

tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.
All I heard for the next 3,600 seconds

and then 7,200 seconds went by.

and then I couldn't take it anymore so I picked up the phone and called.
had to leave a message.

But by the end of the day, I did hear back on half of the tests run.... ALL CLEAR. Thank God! It would take another 24 hours to get the thyroid completed. But at 5 PM today my cell phone rang and I heard more good news... thyroid is great.

So that leaves us with 2 other possibilities. 1) She's not getting enough calories or 2) She has a growth hormone deficiency.

So I am now given 2 months to see if I can "grow" her. And if, after 2 months, no progress is made, it will be off to the Endocrinologist.

Which leads me to where I began this post.

18 grams of fat per serving (Haagan-Dazs) + whole milk = Super Growing Potion (i.e. "milkshake")

and it's just what the doctor ordered. and that's not all! a milkshake a day, pediasure, flax seed oil added to everything, and whatever other fattening things i can think of. so- like everything in life- I proceed with zeal! Oh, Lord, let me succeed!!

to be continued... (in 2 months)

wordless wednesday...

nothing.

nothing important, that is. Or, shall I say- nothing of any substantive nature. This might just turn into a rant, I'm not sure... but certainly nothing inspiring to write tonight.

I know I have been MIA over the last 2 weeks. Really, I haven't gone anywhere. I've been around. Just not had the time, the energy... the words, to post anything.

Life in my little nucleus family has been just fine. Nothing going on here... but just outside the "inner circle," life has been chaotic, challenging, frustrating, stressful... emotionally draining. The familiar saying, "when it rains, it pours" - couldn't possibly apply any more than it does to the last few weeks with close members of my family.

At times like this, when I should be on my knees, relying on the Holy Spirit for strength, for wisdom, for intervention- I feel like I've put myself miles away. More often than not, I'm letting the "yuk" consume me and get me down. I haven't even wanted to get together or visit with friends because I exhaust even myself with my bad attitude and negativity. Feeling that way is so foreign to me. That's not typically who I am. I'm usually so positive and enthusiastic.

Again, before I go off worrying people- let me reassure you. My husband, my kids, myself- we're great. But there are other people- whom I love and care about just as much- who are facing, or involved in or dealing with stressers and issues which- at times- seem insurmountable. And I find myself spending more time worrying, thinking about and discussing- when I should be praying, seeking, and perhaps more importantly, listening to the Holy Spirit. But I've never been a good listener- I guess I just like to talk too much.

But when you are out of words.... and at the end of your advice, and seemingly out of hope you get to a place where you have no other choice than to listen...

pray. listen. pray. listen

And sometimes the answers come when you're not even going out of your way to hear. Tonight, as I rocked my little Bella before bed, I started singing. And I started singing a song that I, honestly, have never been that particularly fond of- and hadn't heard or sung for years. But out of nowhere, I just started singing this little ditty called...

"this little light of mine -
i'm gonna let it shine

this little light of mine-
i'm gonna let it shine

this little light of mine-
i'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

won't let satan blow it out-
i'm gonna let it shine

won't let satan blow it out-
i'm gonna let it shine

won't let satan blow it out-
i'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."

And it was in that moment, half way through singing that song, that I knew that the song hadn't come out of nowhere... In a few simple, child-like verses I was given the confirmation, the answer, and the encouragement that I needed to hear.

I've got a little light, God gave it to me long ago... well, in my case- he gave me more of a blow torch - (I've never been the quiet, subdued one in the crowd)... and I am sure the adversary would love to blow out my flame with the oppressive winds of circumstances that are beyond my control. But I am not going to let that happen. I can't always do it on my own... but that is what the Spirit is for. I don't need to carry the weight and the burden on my own because He promised me that He would do it for me... because He wants to.

"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully." 1 Pet 5:7

I had no idea where I was going with this post when I started it. But after writing it out... and listening... I think I know where I'm going now.

happy. sad.

Happy! because the day you came into our life, you have brought more joy than I could have ever thought possible. You are my sweet little snuggler, my crazy, fearless monkey gymnast, my true "momma's girl." The last 2 years have been, quite possibly, the best of my life. And I think you have a little something to do with that.

Sad. because the day's go by just a bit too fast.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! I love you more than words can say.

prayer...

For 4 years now, I have prayed with my son each night while I tucked him in. Pretty much ever since he could talk, I would ask him if he wanted to pray, after I finished. And each night, he would respond the same, "No thank you." But lately, he's said he's wanted to pray but asked for my help cause he wasn't sure what to say. So, I would encourage him to thank Jesus for the day and tell Him he loves Him. So, for several nights, I heard the same thing, (verbatim)
"Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. I love you. Amen."

Until tonight when he uttered two more sentences, but how simple- and yet how profound- they were. All on his own, he came out with the most beautiful prayer...

Dear Jesus,

Thank you God that you are alive.

and I love you very much.

and I do not like Satan.

and I do not want to listen to him.

Amen.

I smiled and kissed him goodnight and slipped out of his room thinking that perhaps I could do well to take a lesson from my son. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to think too much about finding the "right" words to pray when I want to communicate something "really important" to God. But the thing is, He already knows my heart. And, sometimes, less is more.

Thank you, son, for the reminder. Four simple sentences. But refreshingly profound.

because he is...

"Not Me! Monday"

Time again for MckMama's "Not Me! Monday"

Here are the things I definitely did NOT do in the past week...

1. When preparing the "treat bags" for the kids last soccer game I absolutely did not pack 2 eat 1, pack 2 eat 1, pack 2 eat 1 of the candy corn I was stuffing into the bags. I don't even like the stuff!

2. I totally did not obsessively check the news websites last Thursday night (hitting refresh every 30 seconds) after the VP debate to see who "won" - because that would be a waste of time... since I already knew who won ;)

3. I did not, and would never, let my kids watch the leapfrog letters and sounds movie... twice in a row... so that I could write last Thursday's post.

4. I certainly did not wear a super padded bra out on a date with my husband - in attempt to reclaim those perky, footloose and fancy free days- because, after all, these twins don't need the least bit of help after nursing 3 kids for 6 years!

5. I did not find myself vaccuuming my entire house for 45 minutes just so I wouldn't have to listen to my toddler throwing an overly exaggerated, way too lengthy temper tantrum. No- not this patient Mommy! Or, maybe sometimes "vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" sounds like sweet music compared to, "WHAAA!!!!!WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!"

6. I definitely did not make my 2 little kids come in my bed this morning, (instead of getting up for the day), turn on PBS and bury my head under the pillow in a feeble attempt to catch a few extra Zzzzz's. No way! Not me- I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed when the rooster crows, my friends!

And on that note... have a great day!!

i can't get no... satisfaction.

A couple weeks ago, my friend and I bought the same face cream, at the same time. Well, it wasn't just any face cream. It was "Pure Gold instant effects" face cream. It promised us, right on the package, to provide instant lift and to relax our facial muscles. Later that night, I couldn't help but chuckle when I opened up an email from her saying that she tried the cream and didn't notice any difference other than a few gold flecks on her skin. Needless to say, I experienced the same "effects."

Disappointment.

But did I hang my head, sulk and angrily throw my face cream in the garbage? No. Because, truth be told- though I was disappointed, I wasn't that surprised. So many things promise the world and fail to deliver. And, if I'm honest about it, I set myself up. I hold my self responsible for the let-down. Because I am constantly looking for something amazing. Something better. Something more. And if I find it, I'm content for, maybe - a split second- and then I'm off to seek something even more fabulous than what I already found.

Interestingly, that same friend and I had a lighthearted discussion the other day about how awesome it would be to move to a house on a lake. (Not together- of course... you know what I mean). This has always been a dream of mine, but around here, unless you want to live in timbuktu, your choices are narrowed quite a bit unless you have unlimited resources. During our conversation I mused about how, for me, it probably wouldn't matter because once I got on a lake I'd want something different, because this is just how I am made. This is how we were made.

We were not made to be content.

Please don't misunderstand. I am not at all trying to imply that we are supposed to be unhappy. And certainly, we are not to be ungrateful for what we have. Jesus told us Himself, "I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." (John 10:10)

But try as we might, we can never reach total contentment. Total satisfaction. Because we were not created for this world. God never intended for us to accomplish total contentment on earth. Why?

Because although our bodies were designed to temporarily live on this earth- our spirits were made for heaven.

You know, I started writing this post yesterday but didn't get around to finishing. But I got as far as writing the sentence, just above, about how our bodies are temporary, and our spirits were made for heaven. And, wouldn't you know it, last night as I opened up my Bible to my daily reading, nearly the exact words jumped out of the page at me,

"We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever... We know that while we live in this body, we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see. So I say that we have courage. We really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord. Our only goal is to please God whether we live here or there..." (from 2 Cor 4 & 5)

Talk about a confirmation! I am always amazed- and humbled- when God speaks directly to me on something I've been pondering.

As much as I would love to flatter myself and believe that this world exists to serve me... That my highest goal in life is to be happy, for my kids to be happy, and for my husband to be happy, that "goal" is so short-sighted. Because although being happy is a wonderful experience, that is not all what we were created for. That is not the purpose for our journey. God has so much greater depth than that. And he created us to experience abundance far greater than what this world could ever offer.

So, what are we doing here? What is the point?

With all my heart, I believe that we are here for a sole reason - to love, to serve and to glorify God. And when we seek that purpose first and foremost, abundance follows. Not the kind of a abundance the world will tell you matters (wealth, popularity, happiness). But, rather an abundance of peace. An abundance of faith. An abundance of strength, through the Holy Spirit, to maintain our focus and set our eyes on what what truly matters...

Because life on earth is just a journey. Not unto itself. But an opportunity - an invitation- to serve our Creator. For He is the true purpose of this journey, and eternal life, with Him, is the destination that I seek.

"Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God's throne." Hebrews 12:2

wordless wednesday...