Ups and downs.

As I sign into my blogger account and realize it's been (gasp!) nearly an entire month since I last posted, I'm reminded all the more what a whirlwind the last month has proven to be.

Ups.

and (sadly) downs.

But I think I've finally arrived at a place of steady.

(for now... though, like all things in life, that too will change and steady will eventually give way to more Ups.... and downs.)

But GOD is GOOD!
All the time.
And what does that even mean, anyway?
Has it become some overused cliche that we robotically deliver when passing our friends at church with a smile plastered on our face? (all the while, fighting exhaustion, stress, frustration, trials - and, if you're a parent to young ones... lack of sleep).

Sometimes, I think so.

Sometimes, I think Christians like to talk too much.
We throw out "right sounding" phrases ("Praise The Lord!... Good is Good!")- and yet spoken without sincerity the words fall flat. Please don't misunderstand me, I assure you the declarations are no less true, but sometimes I think we owe it to others, to ourselves (and to God!) to speak those words, yes, but also provide a transparent context.

Such as...

"Wow- this week has been so hard. My baby has been miserably ill and won't stop crying.
Day or night.
Sleep is overrated anyway, right?...

But God is faithful, He will see us through this, and He is GOOD!"

Or...

"My dog nearly died this week.
For real.
But despite the fear we experienced while she was in surgery and post op, God - AGAIN- proved to be faithful and showed us a miracle....
Praise the Lord!"

Though we were told our doggie would surely have to stay for 3 days after major (emergency) surgery- my kids prayed anyway that doggie would be able to come home the next day. The vet chuckled when I suggested it on the phone during our call immediately after her surgery. Yet, kids prayed anyway that night.
Guess who was home, wagging her tail, at noon the very next day?
God IS Good! Thank you, Jesus.

Wow, what a week we had. And I'll tell ya what... though I didn't enjoy it, I survived it. And when my friends or family called, I was honest. "This is HARD! But I believe- in faith- it's all going to be OK."

Whatever trial this world wants to throw at us, because of the power of the Holy Spirit living in me, I declare PEACE. ("You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."—Isaiah 26:3)

And when I pass my friends at church- or when I talk to my friends on the phone, I always want to be genuine. I believe that the best way to encourage others, is through our own transparency... Admitting that life can be hard.
We might be exhausted.
We might feel overwhelmed.
We might be fighting fear or anxiety.
It's not only okay to admit it, it's the right thing to do. Because when we come through the other side of a long, troubling week... or month... or year... we might be able to encourage others who find themselves in the same place (or situation) that we've come out of.

^"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." - 1 Cor 1: 3-4

As I write, I find our household in a good place today...

We're back to a place of health.

(Even the little doggie is recovering quite nicely! I'm giving her breaks to recoup in her own space, without being chased by the baby... though that doesn't mean Christian all together 'leaves her alone.')

Every one's sleeping better.

I got some laundry done (clean socks and undies = always a good thing).

And we've finally been given a bit of respite from the seemingly never ending winter this year...

No matter where you find yourself today... in a challenging situation or momentary trial... have faith, cling to those around you who love you enough to be genuine... to share openly so that you might find encouragement of your own that soon... soon enough... things will turn around and you'll be singing a new tune.

And if you find yourself in a good place today- find a way to be a light to others.

A little encouragement- and a whole lot of transparency- go a long way.

We aren't meant to travel this journey alone.

Peace!

want to...

My absence from my blog has not been lost on me.

Whereas it's true that I've been busy lately (when are moms not busy?), there is perhaps a greater reason for my neglect.

I've had so much on my mind.

You'd think, wouldn't you, that it'd mean I'd have an abundance of topics to right about.

 Right now, in my mind- and in my heart- there are so many thoughts swirling around I'm finding it difficult, myself, to organize my thoughts into words... much less organize those words into a post.

These past 2 years have been a time of tremendous change for me. Not in outward circumstances, but in terms of inward growth. And less I start rambling and becoming completely vague about *what* I'm even referring to in this post... I am speaking strictly of changes of the heart... reflections of who I am, for what purpose, and whom I serve.

What this all boils down to is my relationship with God.

These last 6 months in particular have been the most amazing, eye-opening, transforming time of my entire 34 years. And, honestly, I can't even give you a reason why it's been the last 6 months. I can't point to a specific event. I can't give you a specific reason. Nothing tragic, nothing monumental... nothing- really- out of the ordinary has occurred in my life.

But in the last couple years, my heart has undergone a process of transformation and my eyes are been opened. It's been a beautiful and humbling experience.

I want to write about "it." I want to shout from the top of my lungs about all the amazing things I'm discovering! But that's where I'm finding myself stuck. Because it's not really about an "it" - there are just so.many.things!

I grew up Knowing God. Knowing Jesus. Believing the Bible- word for word.

Did I love Him?

Yes.

But was I in Love with Him? Of that, I really had no firm grasp. But what I did have, was the *want* to.

I knew it was possible. I'd heard other people talking about being so "in love" with Jesus. I'd maybe said it myself, hoping it was true. Because, after all- I did love Him- I did believe the Bible- I believed everything. But when it came straight down to it, I wasn't sure I loved and desired Him, as much as I knew was possible. I wanted to. But I didn't know how.

So, for a long time, I prayed for the desire... for the want to.

And here's the amazing thing about God. He listens. He answers prayers- and He always answers in the affirmative when prayers are asked that are according to His Will. I had to look no further than the Ten Commandments to know that it is certainly God's Will that I love Him, with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength.

"Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

So I asked. And I sought. I knocked- and He answered.

And it hasn't ended there. I've continued to seek... and He's continued to answer. And what amazes me, is that the more I seek, the greater the depths of my heart are opened... the more I've fallen in love, with this amazing, incomprehensible, God Almighty.

I'm finding myself in a place of true, honest, desire to read His word and spend time with Him. Not the kind of time where I check the box as "done." But the kind of time that I jump out of bed for. Though I've read the Bible in it's entirety several times, in the last 6 months, I feel like I'm reading it for the very first time. Words and ideas and revelation jumping off the pages... new insights straight after the other- seemingly line by line.

All I did was ask. "Help me, God, to want to know you more."  And in His immeasurable grace and love for me as His daughter, He answered.

You sometimes hear people say in real life relationships, "I didn't know what true love was till I found it." And sometimes you find that to be true for yourself.
I found it to be true in the most surprising real life relationship of all.

I'd like to be able to share some of these thoughts with you. Though sometimes I think I should just stick to posting random pictures of the kids. Perhaps a little of both? But sooner than later I hope to get my thoughts in order to be able to post more of what I'm been thinking about.  Thanks for sticking with me :)

Priorities

Because we home school, we belong to a "co-op" of other families who meet together twice a month. Just the moms and the kids (Ok, well, there is ONE dad)- and we meet during the day. We call it "school" even though it's a far cry from what "real" school is actually like, but it's as close as the kids will ever get to the real thing.

I like co-op because there are yummy snacks for the moms and for those 3 hours (2 times a month) I have a break from Mom duty while my kids are in their classrooms (and my baby is in the nursery screaming his head off... but I'm upstairs eating snacks, remember, so I'm blissfully 'unaware.")

Each co-op meeting the Moms get a newsletter telling us all sorts of little tidbits of upcoming information. Additionally, each time, 3 different families are "featured" and we can read a tidbit (or paragraph- whichever the mom submitted to the editor) about a family in our co op. Honestly, they are a bit of a snoozer to read. I read my 2 best friends features, and that's about it. I say "snoozer" only because, really, does anyone care how many activities your 8 year old is in, and what your favorite curriculum is? Maybe- but probably not. But one week, I peeked down (after reading 1 of the 2 said best friends profile) and noticed another Mom's entry. I'll call her "Ingrid." (because that's her name)

The reason I happened to notice Ingrid's entry was because it was so short. The other reason I decided to read it is because I like Ingrid. Ingrid was in my prayer group last year. If there's a woman who knows how to pray, it's Ingrid. She's tight with the Holy Spirit- of that there is no doubt.

I cannot quote exactly what she wrote, but to paraphrase, she very succinctly wrote that at one time, years ago, she was very diligent to ensure that all her lesson plans were meticulously followed  and that her days were filled with following rigid schedules but that those days are long gone. Now, she spends her days teaching her sons about God and about life through a Biblical worldview, and if they learn something academic, that it's an added bonus.

I read it, smiled and thought, "Yep. That's Ingrid."

And then I thought, "I want that to be me."

More than once scripture reminds is that our life (on earth) is short. Several scriptures reveal this truth.

"You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath." -Psalm 39:5

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." - James 4:14"

Does this mean, then, that I find no importance in teaching academics? Reading, writing, arithmetic? Of course not. But Ingrid's thoughts reminded me to evaluate my priorities.
Life changes, the unexpected happens, dynamics are ever changing. So, as one Bible commentator puts it, "Who can build any solid hopes on a mist?"

In the light of eternity, there is, truly, only one thing that matters- our response, and our relationship, with Jesus Christ. And so, from my perspective- Ingrid's got it right on.

I will continue to teach my children strong academics. But I will strive to ensure that what comes first in my priorities, is teaching them about our Creator, Our Heavenly Father- our Omnipotent Savior.

Inside the beautiful chapter of Deuteronomy 11, we are told to...


"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."

I owe everything to Him. And I want, more than anything, to give back my first fruits... of my minutes, my days... my whole life. To invest in and plant the seeds that will bear fruit in the lives of my children and my children's children for HIS name sake.

death

I went to a funeral this weekend. 

It was the funeral of the High School friend I had written about here .

Because this friend lived on the west coast, this was a second service. A memorial for his friends and family back home in the Midwest to attend. 

It was painful to watch my dear friend- my (long time ago) best friend, turned high school sweetheart, stand at the podium trying his best to pay tribute to his brother through broken sentences and long pauses while choking back tears. It broke my heart to watch his wonderful parents, sitting in the front row, put on brave faces- smiling at the fond memories, hugging each other close for comfort... for encouragement... maybe even for strength just to sit up straight.  I don't know why, but it struck me as so ironic that the weather couldn't have been more perfect outside. Sunny, blue skies, a perfect 70 degrees. I'm sure I even heard birds outside the small sanctuary windows that were cracked open to let in the breeze. I thought, "How can it be so cheerful outside? And yet inside we sit - seated silently in pews-  dressed in shades of black, brown and grey- mourning a life that at 35 years expired far too soon."

An hour and 10 minutes. I waited optimistically- listening for something specific. Hoping, against hope, to make this somehow "less sad." To make sense of it. To look at the pictures of this incredibly handsome young and vibrant man rotating through the slide show and feel any kind of happiness for him, despite the deep ache in my heart for his family.  I listened, ears attuned to every word, hoping the next word would deliver what I was waiting to hear. Just one word.

But it never came.

The service ended and we all went down to a local restaurant for the reception. An old high school friend and I were visiting off to the side. I mentioned to him something along the lines of how sad I was and how it was hard to know what to say without knowing where this friend had stood in his faith. Perhaps that was a mistake because my friend looked at me like I had two heads. He didn't "get it." I dropped it.

I guess at all funerals we're supposed to say besides the obvious "I'm sorry"-   things like- "He's at peace... He's in God's care now... He's free from pain... He's with Jesus." But I can't and I won't ever say that unless I know that to be true.
I'm not at all suggesting that I have made a determination that, in this case, those statements would not have been true. I haven't the slightest clue as to where this young man stood in his final days, hours... breaths. I would never presume to even try to guess what happens between a man and his Creator the moment he passes from this life to the next.

But what I do know is this... The ambiguity just about broke my heart. I never did hear what I was listening for. Just one word...

Jesus.

Please don't misunderstand. I am in no way judging the way people should or should not do funerals. What they should and should not say. I write this only because my heart was sad to begin with, when I walked through the doors of the church- and it was more sad when I left, because I just never knew how he felt about God... how he felt about His Son Jesus. Did he know Jesus? Love Him? Follow Him? If so- I wish we would have been told! I could've, in my heart, celebrated that fact.

When I die, please- someone PLEASE- shout from the podium that I LOVED Jesus. That I'm WALKING with Jesus. That He was everything to me. Don't let people leave my service with any doubt... any ambiguity that Jesus was and is the love of my life. That I spoke to Him the moment I woke each and every morning... that I talked to Him throughout my day... that He was the last one I spoke to before my mind drifted into sleep. Let it be known that in my life -- and in my death-- he was my beginning, my middle, and my very end.

Without Jesus death is just... death.

Without Jesus, there is no redemption in dying. I can't possibly think of anything sadder than that. Again, I'm not suggesting to know where this wonderful man stood in his faith. But that is precisely what broke my heart. That I didn't know. My hope and my utmost prayer is that this young man is home in heaven enjoying all of the beauty and splendor and amazing things God has promised and prepared for those who love Him.
.
This afternoon I was made aware of another sad story of someone passing too young. Facebook has an interesting way of doing that. Connecting, and interconnecting lives, so that at times it seems we all know each other and the degrees of separation must, most certainly thanks to Facebook, now be closer than Six.

A young mother-  (1 year old baby girl and just gave birth to a 2nd baby girl in July) - died yesterday of Hospital acquired pneumonia, which she got while in the hospital delivering her daughter in July. It physically hurts me to type the words "young" "mother" and "died" in the same sentence. I can't write much more about it because I will soon find myself in a mess of tears on the living room floor, clutching my chest, grieving for a woman I'd never met- like I was earlier this afternoon.

But the story for this woman did not end on September 14th in a hospital ICU bed. I know this because this woman's family had started a caring bridge site for her in July when the pneumonia began. It was updated daily with prayer requests, with updates, with praise and thanksgiving for the prayers and the encouragement coming their way. The site was full of Jesus. His presence in her life, her dedication to Him, the families love and devotion to Him.

Though his wife had died just 24 hours earlier, this young husband turned widower- father of 2 baby girls- found the strength to post a letter on the site. One of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. I have no doubt of where his strength came from. It was evident alllll over the pages of their journals. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. All over the pages you find the name of Jesus.

Though for the sake of privacy I won't list his name, I can't not quote a few of the most beautiful and important sentiments he shared.

He writes,
"All things pass in this life.  Taking the time to know the only true God who sits on the throne of heaven and sat by her bed in that hospital is the most important thing you will ever do...What you may not realize is that those things that you really loved about my wife [], her kindness, hope, joy, peace, fierce defence of truth, love, acceptance of others right where they were, humor, PEACE IN THE VERY FACE OF DEATH, and willingness to challenge each of us to grow, came directly from what she had learned while walking with Jesus."

It was through her relationship with Jesus Christ that this young mother found the direction to live her life on earth. And it was in his relationship with Jesus Christ that her young husband grasped the strength and courage to find the peace and joy in her passing, through the very raw and real devestation and pain of losing his beloved wife.

Life in Christ is not about attending church on holidays. It's not about attending church every Sunday or attending church at all! Jesus so desperately wants us to know Him. To love him. To follow Him. 

He's already chosen us. But it's up to us to choose to trust, rely in, and adhere to Him. To be in relationship with Him. And if we do, there is redemption, there is peace and there is JOY to be found in the passing of this world to meet our Creator.

He promises this, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"-- 1 Cor 2:9

I believe Him.

And I believe in Him.

And when I die, I will be with Him.

Religion won't save me. But my relationship with Him will. Glory to God!



Last thing. If you read this and think I'm crazy, that's ok. It's my blog and I can say what I want- and besides, hardly anyone reads this anyway. But if you read this and you have no idea what I'm talking about and think the notion of being in LOVE with Jesus is foreign and you wouldn't know how to do that anyway- that's ok. I'm gonna tell you how. Read the book of John  (from the Bible). If you don't  have a Bible, you can read it here. And then- Just ask. HIM! I promise you, if you honestly seek Him, He will reveal Himself to you... you will find Him... and when you do, you won't be able to help doing anything but earnestly loving Him.

Eternity...

I'm sitting on a whole slew of photographs I've taken in the last week or so. Parades, picnics, and holiday celebrations. As I sit down at my computer ready to upload, edit and post- I've instead found myself sitting here staring at the white space- realizing that, at this moment- I'd rather type my thoughts than post pictures of my kids eating hot dogs. At this moment, I'm feeling that there are more important things I'd rather use my "white space" for.

I've been doing so much thinking about eternity lately. Please don't click away. I'm not being Debbie Downer... I promise. It's just that there have been so many things lately that have brought me a to a place of contemplation - true reflection about where we are right now, on this earth, and where we will someday be... in eternity.

A very dear friend of mine (my old High School sweetheart, if you must know), is losing his older brother to cancer. And by "older" I mean only that he's older than my friend. In reality- he is losing his very young brother... a mere 36 years old. Try as a might, I am unable to comprehend what that must feel like for my friend to have to say goodbye to his brother. Sadly, his brother lives 1700 miles away and when my friend last visited him, he knew that this time his "goodbye" and their embrace would be their last.

Which leads us to the point- right here - (in my white space)- that might be just too depressing to continue on.

Except that, it's not. It doesn't have to be.

In no way am I trivializing the pain and sadness that his family is going through. Instead of offering a mere "you're in my thoughts and prayers" I've tried my best to share, specifically, what exactly my thoughts and prayers are right now for this family. I continue to pray for encouragement to get through these painful last days. For Peace. I try to encourage by reminding my friend the promise that "No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Cor 2:9) - and that soon, his brother will be free.

And if that has not been enough to get me thinking of eternity lately, I've been also having long, interesting, thought provoking discussions with my dear girlfriend regarding differing ideas of theology and God and salvation. Our discussions have challenged me to look inside the very core of my beliefs and what it is, exactly, I believe- and why, in fact, it all matters. SO much.

It matters, friends, because - we're going down. Every single one of us. Maybe too young from an unfair illness. Maybe too early from a tragic accident. Maybe at the very end of 89 long beautiful years. Regardless, we're going down. Like I recently heard a passionate Godly man say in an interview- it's like the earth is the Titanic... before it's sunk. And you know it's going to sink. You want to scream and shout to the people - "GRAB A LIFE VEST! JUMP IN A RAFT! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SAVED!" And yet, the Titanic hasn't sunk quite yet. So people continue on. They dance, they mingle, they go about their journey without a care in the world.

So what if there were a few of us who KNEW, before hand, the boat was going down? We paraded up and down the corridors shouting warnings, jumping up and down, begging people to jump in the rafts, imploring people to find a way to get saved. I'm pretty sure that people would look at us like nut jobs. And they'd continue to mingle. and dance. and go about their journey. doing things their own way.

And so it is with life.

And so it is with this earth.

And so it WILL be that, one day, this world is going down.
And maybe even be sooner for someone I know and love.

And so I have to ask myself- did I warn them? Did I tell them? Did I encourage them with the GOOD news that they don't have to sink? That they can jump in the raft and be saved? SAVED! AND LIVE! But they first must believe that the boat is, indeed, going to sink and admit that without the raft they cannot save themselves.

Am I trivializing this? I don't want to. I would never, ever, want to trivialize the gift of eternal life.

Because of the events I've stated above, I have thought so much about it lately. I have thought about eternal life. About heaven. About what it means to be saved. About how, it is, we actually become saved.

Can we save ourselves? No!
There is nothing we can do. Not enough "good deeds" in the world that could ever be "enough" to earn us entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. Not one of us is "deserving" - not one. (Romans 3:23)

As sad as this is for me to know, there is no truth in the belief that "good people go to heaven."
Good people - who believe in JESUS Christ as their Lord and their Savior- go to heaven.
And, guess what, even bad people- who believe in JESUS Christ as their Lord and Savior- go to heaven.

But "good people" - who don't believe in and rely on Jesus- will not go to heaven.

Because it's not about being good. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
It's not about being bad.
It's about Jesus.

Jesus.

JESUS.

JESUS!

He's IT!
And he's EVERYTHING.

It's not enough to believe in "something." Something will not save you. (John 14:6)

This life is short. Sometimes, for some people, way too short. But though our life on earth may be short, it is not hopeless. It is FULL of hope in the promise of eternal life, through Christ.

I want to be there! And I live my life on earth FULL of HOPE and JOY because I rest in certainty that I WILL be there. But I want, so badly, for the people I've shared my life on earth with, to be also with me in heaven.

And, perhaps, the very best part of my post comes at the end. Right now.

The good news- the BEST news- is this...

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” - Rom 10:9

Jesus life was relevant.
And his death was EVERYTHING.
It is the purpose, and the point, and the reason for the HOPE we have in this life. And the next.

There is no one- the whole world over- whom he doesn't desire to save.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. —John 3:16-17

But it's up to US to listen. To open our ears. To believe the truth that this ship is sinking and we can't save ourselves. And to jump - FEET FIRST!- into the boat.

He's the boat. And He's the only one who can save us.

If you are reading this and you want to know more, please check out this link from Billy Graham's website - http://www.billygraham.org/specialsections/steps-to-peace/steps-to-peace.asp.

Eternity is coming for every single one of us.
And we've been given this life -and maybe this moment- to choose where we'll spend it.

The Gift

Because Easter has everything to do with the death, resurrection and Ascension of Christ, we do everything we can in our home to try to teach our children about the gift... the incredible, amazing, priceless gift of salvation.

Though we don't "do" the Easter bunny, we still make time to make the day meaningful and fun.I do give my kids some candy and we do participate in hunting for eggs and a basket. Our eggs are a little bit different. We open them and find representations of the meaning of the holiday. We've found it to be a fun- yet very meaningful way- to read about, talk about and reflect upon the gift.

Because though we are wholly unworthy, we've been given a gift that is utterly priceless.

While I sat in church on Easter Sunday, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. To consider all the HE has done for us. To realize that though the wages of sin is death, we are redeemed and free because of the price He paid by laying down His life for us... for me... for you!

Those are not just words- they are not just scripture verses that should be taken for granted, rote pieces of rhetoric we recite on Sundays and holidays.

No one on earth disputes that the life of Jesus is true, but many question the "story" of Christs death, resurrection and Ascension. If you have any doubt, please read this.

It's all about choice. Your choice. My choice.

If it's not true, and yet I still believe in Jesus death and resurrection- at the end of my life, what will I have lost? I will have gained a fuller, richer life- a life lived with purpose and hope. Even if - at the end of it all- I've lived my life believing in the hope of Christ and eternal life and it turns out to be the biggest hoax and conspiracy ever conceived... I've still lost nothing.

But if I choose to live my life in disbelief, or (even worse) believing but choosing to live my live without him Him at the absolute center of my life - I will gained nothing and lost

everything.

I know that he lived. I know that he died. And I know, with every ounce of my being that miraculously, he rose from the grave, the tomb is empty...

 
HE IS ALIVE!

He made the biggest sacrifice. Because he chose me (and you, and you and EVERYONE) to give the priceless gift of salvation and eternal life, my greatest challenge is that each morning I will choose him.

I will choose each day to live in service to Him. In big ways, in small ways, in any way that I can.

I don't want to waste the gift He gave me on a life lived for myself. I don't want to come to the end of my short life on earth and only wish I could go back and change my path, wish I would have put Him first, wish I would have chosen Him over choosing myself.

More than anything, I want my life to matter.
I want it to count for something at the end of the day.
I want it to count for something at the end of my life.

The Word makes it clear that "Narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." (Matt 7:14) yet "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
But "My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day."

My greatest hope and desire is that my children, my family, my friends and all the people I know and love will receive the gift of eternal life. It is ours to take. He gave it freely.

Receive!

And give back to Him.

Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars?

He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name.

Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing.

O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?

O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?

Have you never heard? Have you never understood?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.

He never grows weak or weary.

No one can measure the depths of his understanding.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaih 40:-27-31

Plans...

Happy 2010! I had planned to post on New Year's Day. And then I had planned to post on the 2nd (since I didn't get around to posting on the 1st). And then I had planned to get around to posting every day after that.

And here were are 16 days later.

So much for my plans!

But the delay in my posting actually fits perfectly into what I want to write about... which is, if you hadn't guessed by now... PLANNING.

If you don't know me personally, let me tell you- just by my nature, I am a planner... I am a NEED to know kinda gal. Like, the kind who mapped out every single pit stop, bathroom break, meal stop, sight seeing stop and hotel stop- to the minute, and to the mile- on every long distance trip we've taken so far. Like the kind who has list after list of what I plan to do that day, week or month. I like lists... CHECKlists? Even better!

I don't always get around to completing my to do lists. And as a matter of fact, I ususally don't accomplish even half of what I'd planned on doing for any particular goal. I didn't say I perfectly execute my plans... I just said I like to make them.

But when you peel back the layers, it's easy to see that it's not about it being fun for me to organize or map and plan things out...  the point is not even about having plans or accomplishing them... it's about c o n t r o l.

Who's in control of my life? Of course, everything in my fleshly self says- I AM!
Yet everything about what I continue to learn says- I am NOT.

If there is just ONE thing I learned in 2009, it's that I can make all the plans I want... they just might not play out how I intend.

Last year, was both one of the most challenging and one of the best of my entire life. How can I write "and" instead of "but yet"?Because it took me going through the challenges to learn the gift of release. The gift of relinquish. The gift of what it really means to hand over the reigns and let Him make the plans.

Last year, in our family, we faced some serious scares over things I'd rather not share. But in the end- I learned to give up my fears and to embrace trust.... trust that He's already got all the plans figured out, not because of me... but rather in spite of me. The beautiful truth that as long as I acknowledge Him in all my ways- He WILL make the path straight- (Prov 3:6) has given me the freedom to be released from needing to know all the plans... all the time. No matter what He has in store, whether I see it "coming" or not, whether I understand it or not, or whether I "agree" or not is really inconsequential because we know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the GOOD of those who LOVE HIM and are called according to HIS purposes." - Rom 8:28

Now... all that being said- I do have a few plans this year. I didn't say ALL plans were bad... I just said that being obsessed with controlling them is!

As for this coming year, I plan to thoroughly and completely enjoy this sweet little angel...


This funny and charming little "Princess"...


This caring, sensitive, mom's little buddy...


And this girl with a beatiful heart who challenges me to be a better mom everyday...

What are your plans for this year?

Angela

It begins! A "Christmas" story of giving gifts...

Merry Christmas EVE!

I let the kids open a couple of Christmas presents this morning. They (or was it I??) just couldn't wait for them to open.

To be honest, every year I'm a little bit torn about the whole "gift giving." I LOVE to give my kids gifts.  On the other hand, turning Christmas into a present extravaganza seems wrong to me for obvious reasons. However, we live in a country where Christmas- unfortunately-  has become extremely commercialized. Not even in just the last few years. It's been that way ever since I was growing up. And when I think about Christmas when I was growing up- I remember the incredible excitement and fun of looking forward to opening presents. As a child, our Christmas' were FILLED to the brim with presents. Too many. Trust me.

Which brings me to the conundrum that I face each year. Do I skip out on presents all together to teach my kids a lesson? Which seems entirely unfair to my kids. Do I give just a couple small gifts? But then wonder- if I give 2, what's the difference between giving 2 or giving 4?

I have truly struggled with this for several years but finally feel like I've come to the answer...

For us, "Christmas" is not defined by one day. It is not 'one' church service we attend once a year. It is not acknowledging Christ's birth 'one' day throughout the year. It is not trying to pretend that we give each other presents to somehow symbolically represent gifts given to Jesus at his birth. I've come to realize that all of that is just trying too hard to make it something that it's really not.

In our family, we celebrate Christ's birth throughout the year. He is not acknowledged just one day - which happens to be December 25th. He is talked about every day... throughout the day. He is part of every single day of our lives. And it's not only on Christmas that we celebrate His glorious birth. It's truly something that our family celebrates, discusses and recognizes throughout the year. On most days, at least one of my kids thanks God during their nightly prayers for sending Jesus to earth for US.

So that leaves us with Christmas. What to do. Gifts? No gifts? One gift? Three gifts?

For me, it doesn't matter anymore. We've come to explain to our kids that they are giving and receiving presents because it's a fun thing to do once a year. It happens to coincide with Christmas. We wish it didn't- but that's what American's do. So we give our kids gifts. We don't pretend we are giving gifts to each other on behalf of Jesus. Frankly, that's just too phony. And, honestly, when I think about myself- I realize that all of the heaps of presents I received on Christmas' growing up did not shadow or negate or in any way diminish the love I had and continued to grow and develop for Jesus.


 
We don't spend the entire day exchanging gifts. But we do take our time. Because it's fun. Because I'm a mother and I don't know what Mom doesn't absolutely revel in seeing her children's face light up when they open a gift you chose with care and love.
 

And when we are finished opening gifts, we spend time together as a family. Playing, eating, sledding, listening to music, playing new board games... just loving each other.

Yes, we read the Christmas story. But that is not something we do only once a year. It's a story that is shared many times throughout the years.

I feel so thankful that my kids love Jesus. They really, truly love Him. He is the center of their parents lives... and my heart is overjoyed as I see then choosing- for themselves- to make Him the center of their lives as well.

 

That's not something that happens by celebrating Christ one day a year on the 25th of December. It's a choice they are making because they have come to know Him and love Him by seeing His goodness, protection, provision and love become evident in their daily lives.

So on December 25th, we will celebrate the birth of Christ. We will open too many presents, stay up too late and eat too many Christmas cookies. 

But the celebration will not end on December 26th. We will continue to celebrate His coming throughout the year. 

May you also feel the LOVE and presence of our savior on this day and EVERY day.

good days...

Each night when I tuck my older daughter in she prays,

"Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. Please help us to have a WONderful life. Help every day to be a good day. Please let us not get sick for a VERY long time, Lord, please, help everyone in the whole wide world to have good dreams tonight..."

... and then she continues on with a variation of thanksgiving & supplication- whatever is on her heart.

But I find it interesting that she always begins her prayers the same way, requesting that He give us a wonderful life. First of all, I think that God has blessed us with a great life. And as far as my 7 year old is concerned, a life that is pretty much trouble free and by most accounts, pretty "wonderful."

But, as far as her Mother goes- I have weathered my fair share of challenges throughout these 33 years. A childhood that was neither necessarily stable, nor balanced- though, fortunately, I still knew my parents loved me. An adolescence period that was as challenging and awkward as any other teenagers. Fast forward to my 20's which were filled with milestones... graduating college, getting married, having my first couple of children... each which came with it's own set of new challenges to overcome.

Were all of my days, "good days?"

... of course the answer to that is a resounding NO! Some days have been great. Some days have been exhausting. Some days I've worn my knees bare and my cheeks left stained with tears begging God for his intervention and his peace.

When my daughter prays, in all honesty, at times I want to say- "listen, honey- that's not how life works. All our days are not going to be good days and we might get sick tomorrow, which is not God's fault. And, furthermore, everyone in the whole wide world is not asleep at the same time, so it would be impossible for them to all have good dreams at the same time while you are sleeping." But- instead, I just stay quiet. She'll have many years of revelation ahead in which she'll draw her own conclusions.

For now, I just enjoy her innocence. And, frankly, I just like to have 3 minutes or so of living in my daughters bubble where everything is safe, "wonderful," and everyone in the whole world sleeps with good dreams.

But despite the harshness of the reality of this fallen world, I remain grateful and thankful that God is always- ALWAYS- with me. It's not necessarily during the "good days" where I find myself closest to Him. It the times when I'm scared (terrified!?!), desperate, exhausted, confused, angry or sad that I find myself not just closest to Him, but clinging to the hope I have in Him.

Life does not always make sense. Life is not always wonderful. But life is ALWAYS full of hope, when you place your life in His hands. "cast all your anxieties on Him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Even though, for now, my daughter innocently believes that all our days might just be "good days"- what I wish for, more than anything, is that she will also come to believe- with all of her heart- in the true and living hope of our Father. That she will know that "God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good hope and encouragement that continues forever." (2 Thes. 2:16-17)

It's that truth- and that promise- that will sustain us, keep us, bless us .... and help us to "make every day a good day."

I just realized it's been a few days since I posted. Have you wondered if I'd gone into labor?? I must say, I'm a little bit surprised that I haven't yet, considering all the contractions I've been having. Let me tell you, ladies- it just drags out longer with the more children you carry. I've been having contractions for months- and in the last couple weeks, they've been strong and regular... but still the little babe lies peacefully within. I am, however, due on Sunday so I know that at some point soon baby is bound to appear!

In the meantime, I enjoy endure very little sleep at night. Mostly I'm woken by the need to empty my walnut sized bladder. Other times, it's contractions that wake me. I must get enough sleep to survive, because here I am, typing away. But all these sleepless nights and early rising have brought me much opportunity to reflect. I am a "reflective" person anyway, but combine that with the peace and quiet of a still and sleeping household, I can actually HEAR my thoughts - as opposed to when the sun comes up, the kiddos are awake and there is constant noise, requests and demands filling the air.

Anyway, all that to say I've been blessed with some quiet time in the mornings to enjoy reading my very favorite book, "Come Away My Beloved" by Frances Roberts. It was written more than 45 years ago. It is a beautiful compilation of devotions. This woman was divinely inspired by the Holy Spirit and the devotions are, most certainly, the most beautiful and touching words in a book I have ever read. When you read the words, you might as well be reading a letter straight from pen of the Holy Spirit.

This morning as I sipped my coffee and watched the sun come up, I read the most beautiful reminder of not only God's provision, but also of our own responsibility to seek and ask Him for what we need. I do spend much time in prayer over matters big and small. Throughout my day, I pray about whatever crops into my head. Sometimes, it's a 3 word plea for help- other times I'll spend 5 minutes just thanking God for whatever is on my heart. But I will say this, I am also guilty of, at times, wondering why it is I'm praying for something when God is omnipotent and already knows everything. He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my needs. So, is it really necessary, to pray about everything? I do it, because I believe Phil 4:6 - "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. "

This morning, I read the most perfect explanation from Frances Roberts...

"Heaven's resources are at your command, and you need never want, as long as I am your Shepherd. Do not think that since I know all about you, you need not bother to tell Me. It is true that I know, but you need to tell Me so that in the telling, you may experience the release of an open heart, and the fellowship of a Friend.

As you open your heart to Me, I will come to you. As you speak to Me, I will speak to you. As you reveal yourself to Me. I will reveal Myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to bring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.

Never presume My presence. Never assume that knowing your need, I will automatically supply. Ask, and it shall be given. Call, upon Me, and I will answer you. Tell me that you love Me, and I will make your heart know in a very real way My love for you and my Nearness, and you shall never feel alone."
----------------------
I think so often, as humans, we tend to forget the relationship part of our sonship with God. He is not a big Grandfather in the sky listening and granting wishes here and there like a magician. He is our Father... He loves us... He seeks relationship with us.

I have always believed it is not "religion" but the relationship with our Heavenly Father that is worth any significance.

Yes, He is omnipotent. Yes, He knows our hearts, our desires, our needs our requests. But if we are faithful to a relationship with Him, we will seek Him and pour out our hearts to Him through prayer. Or, in the more perfect words that Frances wrote, "There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person. "

As a mother to young children, I often already know their needs before they ask. But yet I delight in their asking, hearing their little voices ask for something that I know I can and will be happy to provide. I delight in knowing that they fully and completely trust me to supply all that they need from moment to moment.

I imagine that our Heavenly Father, who knows us and loves us beyond comprehension, might feel quite possibly the same.

Living Without Fear

anxiety (ang-zi-i-te): A state of apprehension and fear resulting from the anticipation of a threatening event or situation.

So here's a little background for you... I come from a family of Germans. True, fully blooded Germans. I've got a splash of Swedish blood mixed in there just to make it interesting and (slightly) restrain my Type A German blood... but not enough to make a big enough difference. Sweds tend to be reserved. Germans tend to be full steam ahead... opinionated, direct, perfectionist, WORRIERS... and I've met my fair share of Type A, worry wart Germans... as a matter of fact, I AM one of those Germans, and I've got a whole extended family of them as well.
If you are German (or are married to one) you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm not making this stuff up, folks. Am I stereo-typing? Of course. Are there exceptions? I'm sure. But, hey- it's my blog, and my opinion and... well, seeing that I'm an opinionated German I'm just going to go with it.

So, what does "anxiety" have to do with any of this? Well, I've found through personal experience... A WHOLE LOT! I've known my fair share of Paxil and Prozac taking Germans because of this very reason. I, myself, have not been one- but heaven knows I probably should have at different points of my life. (and for the record, I do not think there is anything wrong with medication!)

But just because I'm "prone" to be a worrier, does that mean I'm destined to live a life of anxiety? Absolutely not. And, as a matter of fact, we are all called (Germans included!) to live a life of peace withOUT fear and anxiety. And, dare I say, it's even a sin to succumb to a life of anxiety because nothing about worrying is part of God. And when we worry and remain in fear without giving it to Him, we are separating ourselves from God.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Phil. 4:6

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." - 2 Tim 1:7

"So, do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. " Matthew 6:34

Hey- I didn't write this stuff, I just read it and believed. And, truth be told- experienced the reality of living in anxiety... but also in the freedom of walking in the truth and casting my cares upon Him. Where does my anxiety lie? Oh, friends, you name it. If I let it- I can let anxiety run through my veins and breath my every breath daily. It took me 8 years to finally set aside my fears when my husband flies (which he does often). Every time one of my children has a fever, or a bruise, my mind wanders to the worst. And there are countless other examples- both big and small- that I'll choose not to share. But, trust me, every day it's a challenge for me and every day I must make a choice. Do I choose worry? Or do I choose trust? Or, as God said, "I set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life in order that you may live." It's a choice to live in freedom... just as it's a choice to live in bondage.

I often wonder- how do people get through life without a relationship, trust and adherence on Christ? Maybe I'm just weak... no, I take that back- I AM weak... I need Him to get through life. There is some seriously powerful truth in the song, "Jesus Loves Me" that we all learned as young children... "I am weak but He is strong."

All of this doesn't have to be fancy and complicated. Maybe you're asking... "Okay, so what does it actually mean to put your cares on Christ.... How do we do that?"

First, you simply declare it. And out loud if need be! Actually- that's even better. There are so many times in my life when I felt the grip of fear and worry creeping it's slimy fingers around my neck that I would actually declare- out loud- "My TRUST is in the LORD my God." Or I would repeat scriptures, like the ones I noted above.

I'm a very visual person and the best example I ever heard- that has helped me to cast my cares is to take whatever worry, fear or anxiety that I have, and to actually visualize putting it in my hands, stretching my hands up and out above my head and handing it to the Lord. Actually- and literally- giving Him my cares.

Just remember, if you don't truly give him your cares, He doesn't have them... you still do. But you don't need to! "God is our refuge and our strength- an ever present help in time of trouble." There is no reason in the world NOT to claim this promise and put our trust in Him.

Life is certainly a journey... riddled with daily cares both big and small. But it doesn't need to be that way. We can make a choice to cast our cares upon Him and live a life of peace.... true peace that comes only from Him and from the assurance we have that as believers, we can be certain that through any circumstance, He will bring it together for good.