Dating!

I've recently entered into a discussion with my husband about dating. Not 'dating' in regards to the two of us- (and certainly not in regards to dating other people- ha!~).... though we could certainly stand to have a conversation about our own dating life (or lack there of). With 5 kids, 2 jobs (1 of him, 1 for me), a "classroom" of 2 little minds to teach, a 3 year old female Dennis the Menace to corral, and a baby- we're left with little time for dating. But, I digress.

This isn't about us.

We've recently starting talking about dating because our oldest son, Mike's 15 year old, is naturally interested in girls and has recently begun talking about wanting to date. Now, when I say "date" - I do not mean that he's interested in picking up a girl, taking her to the movies and bringing her back home again. When I say "date"- I am referring to, in his words, "going out with a girl"- and when I ask him what that actually means, he tells me it means, "you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you hang out together at school, you talk on the phone & you make out." Okay. So, it pretty much means exactly what it did when I was 15. Just checking. And when I ask him, "what is the point of this?"- he tells me it's because when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you are way cooler at school- that "your status level is totally elevated" - and also, because it's just fun.

As a woman, who was once a 15 year old typical, insecure girl (aren't most at this age?), trying to navigate my path through this new found "grown up" world, I found that having a boyfriend in High School surpassed those surface expectations of "just hanging out" at school and talking on the phone. Once I was "in" - the feelings -and the heartbreak- ran much deeper. What I remember from my dating, and even college dating relationships, was not fun, romantic holding hands on the swing and a peck goodnight. Of course, it always starts out that way- but, at the same time- it almost always ends in unnecessary heartbreak. Now, I have to point out, two of my very best friends actually married their High School sweethearts and continue to live happily ever after. Beautiful stories! But they are quite the exception, rather than the norm.

So why do I let my mind automatically jump to the heartbreaks of dating, rather than the "fun?" Because I am  realist. Which leads me back to the dating discussions I've been having with my husband. He is an optimist. I don't know what happens in an adults mind between those span of years when you're a teen yourself and then a parent- but it seems to me that we have a tendency to flip our minds into Beaver Cleaver mode and start automatically believing in some unrealistic fairytale world where things are never quite as raw, real, hard & scary and always turn out better than they did for us as kids.  So we imagine a world where kids have innocent fun and no one gets hurt. I get it- I do. We want our kids to have better than we did... even if our teen years weren't all that bad. We always want better for our kids. No matter what. But in this situation, I feel like we're living in two different worlds- he's a little more "High School Musical" and I'm a little more "Cruel Intentions." Maybe neither of us is completely accurate - but let's just say we have different ideas on what actual "dating relationships" look like for High School kids these days.

When it comes to dating in regards to my own kids, I don't just want "better"- I want different. And believe me, it's not just about some unrealistic desire to shelter my kids from the "real world" or some hope to control their lives so they aren't able to figure it out on their own. Absolutely not. But I've never been interested in raising kids who are just able to "survive" in the real world, or kids who are able to just keep their heads above water and fit in. No thanks. I'd actually consider that one of my biggest fears- raising kids who "fit in." My greatest desire is to raise kids who are able to do things different, to live differently in confidence.

When it comes to dating, I don't want them to seek out a companion because it makes them look cool and it's just plain fun. That position seems self-centered. Nothing about it is looking out for their "dating partner" - or the person they "like." When a teen is young, and WELL before they are ready to be committed and start thinking about marriage, the dating starts because - I want a girlfriend, it makes me look cool, my status is elevated and I want to have fun making out. Those are just too many "self centered" pronouns as far as I'm concerned.

So, what am I suggesting? Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that, if I had my hearts desire, I would raise kids who were strong enough to resist peer pressure, who were thoughtful enough to think of the big picture and realize they are not ready to think about commitment and marriage as a teenager, selfless enough to think of others feelings before their own (i.e. "is my pleasure worth the expense of potential heartbreak for the person I have a crush on?"), secure enough in themselves not to feel the need for a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to earn a "status upgrade," confident enough in the realization that their worth and value is in not in how "cool" they are in the eyes of their peers, but that their value is priceless simply because they belong to Christ, and last- generous enough to choose to focus their teen years on serving God and others rather than being distracted with trying to fulfill some unrealistic vision about a relationship. And just like that one big run-on sentence - I realize that is one big lofty desire.

Now, I- myself- was a teen who considered absolutely none of those things I've listed above. I lived for myself because that's what I wanted to do, and frankly- that's what everyone else does in High School. So, what if my kids end up following in my shoes? Well, I will still love them more than life itself- nothing will ever change that- and I'll continue to hope and pray for them to have the bravery to choose different. to choose better.

Is it unrealistic to raise teens, or be a teen, who chooses not to date until they are an adult and actually ready to consider marriage? I'm not sure, but I'm certainly going to try. What's are your thoughts? Is it possible to be a teenager today and resist the pressure? Is it realistic, as a parent, to guide our kids to focus on service rather than self? I would love your input!

Plans...

Happy 2010! I had planned to post on New Year's Day. And then I had planned to post on the 2nd (since I didn't get around to posting on the 1st). And then I had planned to get around to posting every day after that.

And here were are 16 days later.

So much for my plans!

But the delay in my posting actually fits perfectly into what I want to write about... which is, if you hadn't guessed by now... PLANNING.

If you don't know me personally, let me tell you- just by my nature, I am a planner... I am a NEED to know kinda gal. Like, the kind who mapped out every single pit stop, bathroom break, meal stop, sight seeing stop and hotel stop- to the minute, and to the mile- on every long distance trip we've taken so far. Like the kind who has list after list of what I plan to do that day, week or month. I like lists... CHECKlists? Even better!

I don't always get around to completing my to do lists. And as a matter of fact, I ususally don't accomplish even half of what I'd planned on doing for any particular goal. I didn't say I perfectly execute my plans... I just said I like to make them.

But when you peel back the layers, it's easy to see that it's not about it being fun for me to organize or map and plan things out...  the point is not even about having plans or accomplishing them... it's about c o n t r o l.

Who's in control of my life? Of course, everything in my fleshly self says- I AM!
Yet everything about what I continue to learn says- I am NOT.

If there is just ONE thing I learned in 2009, it's that I can make all the plans I want... they just might not play out how I intend.

Last year, was both one of the most challenging and one of the best of my entire life. How can I write "and" instead of "but yet"?Because it took me going through the challenges to learn the gift of release. The gift of relinquish. The gift of what it really means to hand over the reigns and let Him make the plans.

Last year, in our family, we faced some serious scares over things I'd rather not share. But in the end- I learned to give up my fears and to embrace trust.... trust that He's already got all the plans figured out, not because of me... but rather in spite of me. The beautiful truth that as long as I acknowledge Him in all my ways- He WILL make the path straight- (Prov 3:6) has given me the freedom to be released from needing to know all the plans... all the time. No matter what He has in store, whether I see it "coming" or not, whether I understand it or not, or whether I "agree" or not is really inconsequential because we know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the GOOD of those who LOVE HIM and are called according to HIS purposes." - Rom 8:28

Now... all that being said- I do have a few plans this year. I didn't say ALL plans were bad... I just said that being obsessed with controlling them is!

As for this coming year, I plan to thoroughly and completely enjoy this sweet little angel...


This funny and charming little "Princess"...


This caring, sensitive, mom's little buddy...


And this girl with a beatiful heart who challenges me to be a better mom everyday...

What are your plans for this year?

Angela

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d thin!

Today held the promise of being a very productive day. I knew I had to be up early and have 4 kids up, fed, dressed and out the door by 8:30 in order to arrive at their appointment at the new children's dental clinic I had recently made appointments for. Being the organized, plan ahead girl that I am, I even showered the night before so that I'd have one less thing to do in the morning.

Lo and behold- to my surprise- I was not only on time, but actually 3 minutes EARLY! (Virtually unheard of). I was feeling so proud of myself, even as I walked in the door to the clinic realizing that I didn't have my insurance card with me. Being that this was our first appointment at the new clinic, I told myself- no problem- I'll just sign the "promise to pay form," or whatever, and make sure I fax the information later. Upon checking in- I told her the name of the dental insurance we carry and she said she could look it up for me, so long as I had the primary's social security number. Great! No problem. I rattled it off, 1,2,3. Only problem is.. I come to find out our new fabulous Children's Dental clinic (complete with intricate jungle murals on every wall, a row of computers just for little hands, lifesized stuffed animals placed about and toys galore) is... OUT OF NETWORK!  I sheepishly- yet profusely- apologized and wheeled my stroller and 3 little kids out of there with my "tail between my legs" and my chin tucked low. Perhaps if I had bothered to take the time to call ahead and verify with my insurance company (like the clinic had told me to do)- I wouldn't have been in this predicament. But it slipped through the cracks. One more thing on  my "to do" list that I never got to.

Why do I feel the need to elaborate on such a seemingly small incident? Because- well- lately, this seems to be the story of my life. It was hardly an isolated incident. Take just yesterday when I hurriedly rushed out the door and drove like a bat outta hell "woman on a mission while still observing the speed laws" to gymnastics because we got out the door 15 minutes late. When I peeled into the parking lot, I was confused to find an empty lot and a darkened building. How could this be? I sunk back into my minivan seat, scratched my head while answering questions from little voices in the back, "Mommy? Why can't we go to gymnastics? Why isn't anyone here?" Would you believe it took me another 5 minutes to realize that we were not, in fact, 15 minutes late- but rather we were 15 minutes EARLY? Nothing had changed since the week before... (or the previous 8 weeks for that matter) And yet, somehow I had managed to thoroughly convince myself that our weekly Wednesday morning gymnastics extravaganza began at 9:00 a.m. rather than 9:30.

Honestly, I am becoming jaded... jaded about myself. How hilarious I find it when people say to me, "How do you do it all? Homeschool, work, and stay home with 4 kids?" Because here's your answer, folks... Lately, I don't! At least, I don't do it well! Something suffers and, thank God, it hasn't been my kids, their activities, their schooling or my work... it's unfortunately been my sanity!

Or here's another one that is completely laughable, "You are SuperWoman!" I actually hate it when people say that, because all I can think of is, "Yes! That is me- SuperWoman... right as she's about to jump off the building." The only difference is that I don't have super powers to allow me to fly.

Friends, if you could only see the number of sticky notes I have plasted all over the house just to help get me through the day. "Pay 'John Doe' X amount, for X job." ... "Put chicken in crockpot before 10 a.m."... "Pick up dry cleaning"... "PT at 9 a.m."... "Wash kids uniforms for tonight"... "Take a breath before I pass out." Okay- the last one's a little ridiculous. But, seriously- I've got a note for everything because, sadly- without them I feel like I might sink.
And I will admit, my kids are in way too many things. So, do I find ways to cut some things out? No! I sign them up for more! I inherited this curse from my mother- and she inherited it from her mother. Apparenty, my Grandfather used to tell my Grandmother, "You'd sign the girls up for 'fart lessons' if they had them!" I can so relate to my Grandmother... wanting to provide your kids with every opportunity possible. But at what cost? And at what lengths to the ridiculous are you willing to go?

Lately I'm feeling stretched thin. too thin.

And I don't want to keep letting things slip through the cracks. Nor do I want to keep showing up places "late" and realize I'm early- all because I can't keep things straight in my head.

Believe it or not, I'm not even going to pretend I have a neat little conclusion to this "story" or an easy answer to my problem. All I know is that something's gotta give. And I also know that - as much as I hate to admit it- that, right there, is my honest answer. I feel like such a phony when people say, "How do you do it?" Because while I don't find it difficult to "do it all" - I do find it hard to "do it all and do it all... well."

When someone kinds "the key" to balancing it all, please let me know (and make me a copy!).

from bad, to worse.... to Better and BLESSED

Pheww...

Okay, lest you all think I went off the deep end, I wanted to assure you that I am all better from my post last night. Then again, it is only 7:30 in the morning, so we haven't had much of an opportunity to let this day bomb, yet.

Unfortunately, last night only went from bad to worse. After the excruciating "dinner time" experience with my son, I figured it might be a good idea to take everyone to the park. Well, I thought wrong. That time, it was my daughter's time to have a meltdown. And, in true tantrum fashion, she literally cry/screamed (is there a word for that?) the entire way home from the park, insisting that "I DIDN'T GET TO PLAY! I WANT TO GO BACK!" And, unfortunately for me, the entire neighborhood was outside last night, and either on their way to or from the park, so everyone got a taste of how "well-behaved" my kids truly are. I just continued to walk home and began to laugh. Really LAUGH. So, if you didn't think I was insane before, perhaps you do now. But, trust me- last night if I didn't laugh, I'd cry.

I don't know- my wonderful girlfriend with five children of her own- gave me the helpful advice that I need some progesterone. Hmm. I may have to look into that. Not the cream kind that you rub on your arm, that's like 20 milligrams... the kind you get a Rx for and stick under your lip... it's like 200 milligrams. Apparently it's the "chill you out" wonder "drug??" - do you even call it that? Supplement?? Who knows- it's probably yet another thing I can't take because I'm nursing. For 6 years, I've been able to take virtually nothing... for anything... because I've either been pregnant and/or nursing. And, yes, before you try to do the math in your head- my "baby" is almost 2. And I'm not apologizing.

Well, regardless, there is one place I can turn... literally, and figuratively. One place I can look for help to get me through my day. As I type, I am reminded of the instruction in Hebrews to "Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God's throne." Hebrews 2:12

Wow- one of the most powerful paragraphs in the scriptures. Well, there are many. But this passage, in 4 sentences, puts ALL of life ALL back into perspective. No matter how "bad" I think my day is going, "Let me look only to Jesus" ... no matter how frustrated or overwhelmed I may feel, "the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect." Because of the incomprehensible fact that "He suffered death on the cross," (for ME, a grumbling, impatient, fearful, forgetful, failing mortal human being). But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right hand of God's throne."

That is unbelievably mighty and powerful and humbling. And the power of that truth TRUMPS my measly daily frustrations ANY TIME. When I fix my eyes upon Jesus. And I fix my eyes upon what He did. And when I fix my eyes on the prize... the true POINT of this entire journey on earth (so that we may live in JOY with Christ... eternally), I am grateful, and humbled and reminded of my priorities in life, and so very thankful that "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lam 3:22-23