the anatomy of misperception...

Here's my baby boy having fun. He found a pair of his big brothers undies and thought it would be hilarious to put them on.
Himself.
And then gallivant around the house in them.

And now here's a secret.

I never wanted boys.
Let me rephrase... I thought I never wanted boys.

Well- I have shared this secret with a few Mom's throughout the years... a few expectant mothers(who have 1 daughter already and were hoping for a "sister").
The conversation usually starts nonchalantly - first, as the mom "to be" shares snippets of a dream or two she had of imagined "sisters" (playing dolls, sharing matching outfits and braids, etc.).... but then quickly moves along as she rubs her belly trying to convince others (and herself) how truly "excited" that she is (now) to be expecting a baby boy, indeed.

Somehow that smile doesn't quite reach their eyes. And I never believe her- because I was her (before I had boys)... hoping the XY would stay far, far away.

But this isn't meant to be a sad story! And for goodness sake, I don't mean to sound so ridiculous, as if hearing one is having a "boy" is the worst news ever. How horrible to even suggest. I'm just sayin... If you ever wanted a baby girl... and only a baby girl- then you get what I'm talking about. If not- then never mind. Just look at the cute pictures and forget what I've said up above.

But back to the pregnant Mom... I always whisper to her the same thing... "Don't tell anyone... but I never thought I wanted boys, either... until I had one! Trust me- there is NOTHING like having a son. Little boys are the best. It's gonna be great!"

I suppose- like with many things- any kind of apprehension about raising sons that I may have had can be explained by the fear of the unknown. I grew up with a sister. One sister. No boys.

Before I had sons, I imagined that having a son would be akin to having a messy, noisy, monkey who climbed bookshelves and walls and shouted all day long.

But it wasn't like that at all. My first son, Alex, has the most beautiful, sensitive calm nature. No drama. No craziness. Not a lot of noise. Complacent. Easy. A true delight in every sense.

And for those of you moms who actually do have one of those "crazy" XY's please don't write me off. Know that I did not escape... my crazy monkey came in the form of an XX  named Ariana who actually WAS what I'd always imagined as a mischevious, noisy, crazy "boy" ...  times 10.

So there.

And by the way- the meaning of her beautiful name happens to be "Very holy one." - not just 'holy one" but "VERY" holy one. Um. Okay. And for those of you who actually know her in person- you can stop laughing now. Moving along...

The point is- my perception of what little boys were like was soooo off. Not having grown up with "boys" or brothers around and wondering how strange it would be to parent a son was a fear that ended the moment they said "It's a boy!" and placed my first son in my arms.

What I've come to discover is that boys are amazing.

Funny.

Creative.

Endearing.

Charming.

Silly.

And yes, at times- a bit silly, crazy and mischievous, finding joy in the strangest things...

Need I say more?

Oh, my boys.

I love them so much.

They bring me endless joy.

Misconceptions are funny like that.

You never know what you're gonna get, until it actually happens- and you live it... and you realize that some things in life will never quite turn out exactly as you imagined they'd be.

Often times they're SO much better.

Twelve.

Twelve. 

It doesn't seem like such a big number. But, like most things, it all

depends on that which it refers to.

12 seconds... how long it takes for me to get you to stop crying by handing you a tray full of raisens.

12 minutes...

how long it takes for you to discover, be entertained, master and then move on from a new toy.

Twelve days...

how long it took from the time you took your first steps, to the time you were off and walking like an ole pro.

 

Twelve months...

how long from the time they placed my precious newborn baby in my arms,

exclaiming, "It's a BOY!"

until the time I watched you eat your 1st cake and open up your 1st birthday presents.

 

 

Happy Birthday, my big 1 year old boy! You are loved, cherished and adored by all of us.

 You have brought us 12 months of irresistable JOY!

We love you, sweetheart!!

A splash about Christian, a pinch about hemangiomas & a dash of Ariana

Though she likes to call herself the "big sister"- the truth is Ariana isn't really that much bigger than her little brother who's 3 years younger. The "baby" of our family is quite a big boy! I think his head might actually be bigger than his sisters and at his 9 month check up today, I found out that they also weigh nearly the same.

The other thing I found out at the Dr. today was that they have a new experimental drug they are using for hemangiomas. I actually did not find this out at his Dr. appointment- I found it out at my Dr. appointment that Christian and I attended just before his. We had back to back appointments this afternoon- different Dr.'s, different clinics, different streets-  within a mile of each other and timed one right after the other. Not bad!

First stop was the dermatologist for me where she proceeded to biopsy 2 spots of possible basal cell carcinoma. I won't hear until next week, but I'm not too worried about it as basal cell is not as serious as something like melanoma. As a matter of fact, I was told today that at some point, every single person will develop basal cell if they live long enough!

Anyway, the first thing the dermatologist said was, "I know you're not here for Christian," but I want to mention to you a new cutting edge treatment they are using for hemangiomas using topical Timolel. I already knew that using Beta blockers (strong drugs traditionally used for treating heart problems) has an amazing effect in shrinking infantile hemangiomas. Totally unrelated - but something they discovered by chance a couple years ago. However, what I didn't know was that now they are using a topical beta blocker - (the topical Timolel she referred to)-  given topically through an eyedropper to treat superficial hemangiomas (like Christian has- the kind that does not go deep into the skin) with huge success, without the systemic (and possibly scary side effects) of oral beta blockers.

So, back to the dermatologist. She told me to call Christian's Dr. (he's treated by a specialist in town) because she actually knows him (it's amazing to me how many Dr.'s - who practice completely different specialties- know each other!) and to relay the message and see if he wants to explore that route.

Now, I'm not exactly sure if I want to explore that route- considering that it's experimental and all- but I was intrigued enough to at least leave a message for Christian's Dr. to call me to discuss. So, we'll see what his thoughts are and go from there.

I know it may seem strange to others, but in all honesty, his hemangioma is something we don't even notice. I think what will actually seem strange to us is when someday his hemangioma has completely disappeared. Though, I realize it won't happen overnight- but gradually over the years.

Though Christian has something different than many other kids - we don't see his "flaws" when we look at him. We only see him. And that which makes him different, also makes him... well, HIM, in our eyes. The absolute ONLY reason that I would even consider speeding up the process of shrinking his hemangioma is so that, for his sake, he is not left with too much scarring or repair work needing to be done to the skin on his nose. The whole reason they even suggest shrinking it faster (as opposed to letting it go away on his own) through the surgeries and possible meds is because the skin on the nose is so thin and not very forgiving and doesn't leave a whole lot of "wiggle room" for something like plastic surgery. OK, I'd better stop typing now... visions of Michael Jackson's nose are now dancing around in my head and I'm scaring myself.

Another (much more fun way) that he's different is that he seems to be pretty advanced with his motor skills. He is a fire cracker! So fast!! He's racing up stairs, standing now- on his own- and starting to walk with a walker. When he's not practicing those new moves he's ripping around the carpet. I happened to have my camera close by the other day when Mike was trying to work out in the living room. In between push ups he found a little visitor smack dab underneath him!

And while his little "assistant" was not very effective in assisting him in push-ups, he was extremely effective in making his Daddy smile.

And last but not least, I had to include pictures of what I witnessed to be both very funny and very reassuring. If you remember from about a year ago- with the trouble we had with Ariana eating (or not eating I should say), you'd understand why.

But for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about... Ariana went through a period of about a year and a half where she lost interest in eating. She gained no weight and it was a huge, major deal around here. LONG story short, things turned around and for the last year she's been an eating machine. She'll eat any and everything we put in front of her and she asks for food all day long. Though normally I would find that annoying, coming from her it's music to my ears.

On this particular morning, she woke up with a hunkering for eggs and oatmeal. So eggs AND oatmeal she got. She decided to put them next to each other and apparently couldn't decide which looked better so she asked for 2 utensils and ate both... at the same time.

Ahhhh. Life is good.

7 months

This morning, a thought occurred to me as I was snuggling with my Daddy...



I thought- hey! Today is my 7 month old birthday!



And then Daddy said something hilarious- like usual- that really cracked me up...



And then I just went back to being my smiley self...



Happy Birthday to me!!

Ready or not!

Because it's WAY...


More...



FUN...



TO CRAWL!!


He's been so close for a quite a while, but now he's up and away!
Look out... ready or not- here he comes!

Where has Mommy been?

Besides the regular hussle and bussle of daily life and coming up on the heels of Christmas, I had the misfortune of having my laptop break. Never a good thing. Never. Especially when I do accounting for a small business and need to have reporting and tax information prepared by the end of the year.

I've been - for the most part- off line for the last few days trying to get myself up and running again. And here I am. Up and running. On my new laptop. Loving my Toshiba laptop. Loved my last one, too... until it broke, that is.

We've had several events in the last week... so many pictures I've taken that someday I will transfer to my new computer! But, for now, I'll leave you with my precious little peanut and promises of more later...

Impromptu surgery tomorrow...

Even though this little guys face looks a little frazzled- don't worry, he's cool as a cucumber. It's his MAMA who's been thrown off guard a bit!

We just heard from his Specialist that he wants to do another laser surgery... tomorrow... EEK! Because his hemangioma continues to grow we can't wait until Jan 5th for his next surgery. I emailed his Dr. Sunday night with photos I had taken upon request and by Monday morning his assistant had called with his surgery day/time already scheduled.

That did not leave me very much time to completely rearrange my week! Any time he has surgery, he has to have a pre-op physical with his Pediatrician whose clinic happens to be 30 minutes from our house. Because this was all so last minute, the Dr. only had one opening, which we had no other choice but to take. Unfortunately, his pre-op appoinment this afternoon coincided not only with the first blizzard of the season but also with rush hour traffic. I spent an hour getting there... and nearly 2 hours getting home, half of which was spent trying to calm Christian down as he screamed, cried and sweat like crazy :( Oh- did I mention that I was lucky enough to have ALL FOUR KIDS with me??

Here's to hoping that his surgery tomorrow goes off without a hitch. His last feeding is at 7:45 and after that he has to fast until his surgery at 1:15. Please, if you think of us, say a prayer that he stays calm when he's hungry and not able to eat- and also that this surgery goes as well as the last one.

I'll keep you posted!

Surgery Day

Today couldn't possibly have gone BETTER. What a huge relief and an absolute answer to prayers! I am so thankful to those of you who thought of us and prayed. God is awesome.

My alarm went off at 2:00 a.m. (to give him his last feeding) and again at 4:30 to get up for the day and get ready to leave for the hospital. Christian never fussed or cried and woke only briefly when we put him in his carseat. He slept the whole way to the hospital and, to our surprise, continued sleeping during the entire intake process. The nurses finally had to WAKE him to get him dressed and prepped for surgery. What a HUGE relief!! I guess I had imagined him crying his head off from the moment we woke him up to leave for the hospital. But- to the contrary- our little guy slept the entire time!

Here he is when the nurse woke him up to prep him for surgery...

He was smiling and cooing the whole time....

After the nurses changed him into his hospital gown and finished his pre-op exam, we had a bit of time before the anesthesiologist arrived. During that time, Mike held him and I tried to avert his glance- I didn't want him to remember that Mommy was there and that Mommy=mealtime. He started to chew on his hands, but still never cried.

Before we knew it, he was whisked away. After they took him, we were walked over to the family waiting area- at which time I nearly passed out. Considering how minor of a surgery this is, trust me, I realize how utterly ridiculous that is. But the mother/child bond is indescribable and often times defies logic. Something about seeing my 2 month old taken away in a hospital gown - off to be put to sleep didn't rest well with me, I guess. But after I sat down (with my head between my legs - LOL!- I felt better). Just anxious.

Before long at all, the Dr. was back! We had to wait about 30 minutes for him to wake up in recovery. They had told us to expect him to be fussy, disoriented and possibly nauseous.

What we found, instead, was our happy, smiley baby boy happy as can be. The nurses were all remarking about how unusual he was - and what a joy- because he had woken from the anesthesia smiling. That's my boy!

Here we are... Reunited!

Happy and content (with a full tummy- finally!)

Happy to see Daddy. Time to change out of that (unflattering) hospital gown...

So proud of my baby boy. He did SO good on his very first surgery- but we are glad to be home where we belong!

And as if there were any question - my mommy thinks I'm the best (check the shirt)...

Six more weeks until the next surgery. Until then- we'll keep on smiling!!

"What happened to his nose?"**

I'm pretty sure that I have heard that question in the last 2 months more than I've heard any other question in my entire life. And, to be completely honest, I don't even mind. I will admit, a few times at larger gatherings, I've grown a bit weary of spending the time mingling answering the same question over and over again to each new person I visit with. But I try to keep a positive attitude and patiently answer it over and over (and over and over and over) again without even getting snippy. (Okay, I will admit, at the last family gathering when I'd been asked for the 10th time by the 10th person, "what happened to his nose?" I nonchalantly answered, "Oh. I punched him." then shrugged and walked away.) Probably not my most graceful moment- but hey- it did solicite a laugh from my sister who was listening from across the room, so it was worth it. But, besides that, I've been good about patiently answering the same question for people who are curious.



And I completely understand people's curiosity. So, let me tell you "what happened to his nose" as best as I can. Honestly, I cannot tell you with certainly what "happened to" so much as I can tell you "what's on" his nose, because there is no definitive explanation for what causes it. What is on his nose is called a vascular hemangioma - aka "infantile hemangioma." Sometimes people call them "strawberry hemangiomas" because they are bright red and raised. What it is, in plain words, is just an abnormally dense group of red blood cells... a benign tumor.

They almost always follow the same pattern: 1) Very faintly appear shortly after birth; 2) Being to grow- sometimes very quickly and aggressively- for the next 6 to 12 months (proliferation); 3) Stop growing and remain stagnant for a period of several months to a few years; 4) Then begin to regress of the next several years (involution) until they are completely gone by the time the child is around 5 to 7 years old.

There are theories about how they develop, but no one knows for certain. Maybe something with the placenta in utero? Maybe something to do with a surge of estrogen? The bottom line answer is that- currently- there is no answer. There appears to be certain categories that experience higher incidence. Those categories include being female, premature and low birth weight... interestingly, none of which apply to Christian considering that he is male, was born on time and was 9 and 1/2 lbs. at birth!


Nevertheless, at about 5 days after birth we noticed a tiny red mark and even asked ourselves the question which would later become amusing to us (after hearing it so much)... "did he scratch himself?" As you can see for yourself by scrolling through these pictures from the bottom up- the mark appeared very faintly when he was a few weeks old and has progressively gotten redder and raised.

After 2 weeks we realized the "scratch" was not going away and assumed it was a "stork bite." But after about 6 weeks when we noticed it becoming slightly raised and after my Uncle- an M.D.- mentioned it could be a hemangioma- I realized that's exactly what it was.

Now, if you'd like to scare yourself, like I originally did- go ahead and google "infant hemangioma" and click on images. And then you will see (like I did) that Christian's hemangioma is very mild compared to what some of these poor dear children and their parents are dealing with. My heart breaks for what some of these little babies and children have to go through. It has completely put in perspective for us what a small matter we are dealing with and I am very grateful for how minor his is in comparison. In all complete honesty I absolutely thank GOD that this is just a cosmetic issue and nothing that affects his health. Because of the location of Christian's hemangioma our Pediatrician recommended we see a specialist at Children's Hospital. The concern would be that the hemangioma could grow too large and when it finally involutes it could leave saggy skin or extensive scar tissue that would be cosmetically unattractive considering that it's smack dab in the middle of his nose.

I brought Christian to the specialist yesterday and he recommended that we begin treating his hemangioma aggressively. For Christian's particular case that will mean laser surgery. This will NOT remove the hemangioma. All that it will do is prevent it from growing rapidly and aggressively larger, which is a real possibility. Because of his age, and because the procedure is painful while it's being done (but not after), that entails putting him to sleep under general anesthesia.  This is hard for me to swallow. It wouldn't be quite as bad, except that it will take several surgeries. Several meaning another surgery every 4-6 weeks up until he is a year old. If you do the math, well... I don't want to do the math and I've purposely avoided adding them up in my head. All I know is it's a lot of surgeries. It's a lot of depriving him of nursing for 6 hours prior to surgery, a lot of arranging childcare for the other kids, a lot of extremely early mornings (we need to check in for his first surgery at 6 a.m.!), and a lot of anesthesia.

Am I excited about these upcoming surgeries? Of course not. But we had to think about what is in the best interest for Christian. When we ask ourselves- how would he feel if he were older and we had not done everything to prevent it from growing larger and it potentially leaves him with disfigured skin on his nose- regardless of how minor?- we are left feeling like we should do whatever we can at this moment to prevent that from happening.



Is this a big deal? Absolutely not. In the light of eternity praise God that this is a minor, superficial matter. But come Monday morning, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't covet your prayers that everything would go perfectly smooth without any complications. Specifically, that my heart won't break watching him scream because he's hungry and I can't feed him, and even more so that there would be no problem with the anesthesia and the surgery itself.



I will keep you posted!
Angela

** Alternately titled, "Did he scratch himself?" LOL!