Doing what I don't want to do...

There's been a recurring verse that has floated in my mind- not just recently- but, well, probably since I actually started reading my Bible. It's not a verse of encouragement, really- nor is it a verse of "promise." It's a verse I find popping in my head at the most interesting times- and, lately, rather often.

Here goes...

"I do not understand the things I do. I do not do what I want to do, and I do the things I hate." - Rom. 7:15

For some reason, this verse strikes me with a strange combination of equal parts humorous and serious- but all together totally true in my life.

It seems to crop up at the most opportune times... like, say, when I glance over at that tadpole tank and make a conscious decision not to feed him because I'm just too lazy (or perhaps it's a subconscious decision cause I'd like him to quit lasting so long). Or, when I tell my kids NO, for no good reason at all, other than I must like to hear myself say NO more than I like to hear my self saying "yes."

"Mom, can we have some more tomatoes for a snack?"

'NO!!' - I bark.
(...What? I mean, seriously... why? who deprives their kids of eating more vegetables? Apparantly, me... and for absolutely no good reason).

Senseless!

Or, other times when I think thoughts I should not think and say things that ought not to be said.... and, more importantly, when I go ahead and do these things AFTER I've already consciously decided I ought not to do them.

Lunacy!

Yet, I continue to "do the things I do not want to do."

Is there a way out of this mess on my own? Or does it all just lead me back to one place? My reliance on Him. Does anyone see a pattern here? My last post... now this post? Sorry to burden you with posts about my conflicted mind- but, well- it is my blog after all and I'm obviously using it now to vent. Which, I'll bet, is at least a little bit more interesting than recital pictures.

But, I digress.
And here I arrive, again, at the undeniable truth...
There is a God. I am not Him.

In other words, I just can't do "it" without His help. I mean, yes- of course- I can feed that stupid tadpole without His help. But I can't live the best life I want to live without relying on Him. I can't hold my tongue, I can't reign in my thoughts- I can't stop doing what it is I should NOT do, without realizing that my life is not my own to live and submitting to the fact that my own life cannot be lived fully without His presence in my life and total reliance on Him... to get me through each day and to help me make the choices I need to make. Without that, I continue on the pattern of doing what I do not want to do, and even doing the things I hate.

Lord, help me to focus on the bigger picture. Help me to remember, in all things- both big and small- that it's all about YOU. It's not about me. Help me to stop doing the things I don't want to do- but to make the conscious choice to do what is honoring to Your Holy Name. - Amen