want to...

My absence from my blog has not been lost on me.

Whereas it's true that I've been busy lately (when are moms not busy?), there is perhaps a greater reason for my neglect.

I've had so much on my mind.

You'd think, wouldn't you, that it'd mean I'd have an abundance of topics to right about.

 Right now, in my mind- and in my heart- there are so many thoughts swirling around I'm finding it difficult, myself, to organize my thoughts into words... much less organize those words into a post.

These past 2 years have been a time of tremendous change for me. Not in outward circumstances, but in terms of inward growth. And less I start rambling and becoming completely vague about *what* I'm even referring to in this post... I am speaking strictly of changes of the heart... reflections of who I am, for what purpose, and whom I serve.

What this all boils down to is my relationship with God.

These last 6 months in particular have been the most amazing, eye-opening, transforming time of my entire 34 years. And, honestly, I can't even give you a reason why it's been the last 6 months. I can't point to a specific event. I can't give you a specific reason. Nothing tragic, nothing monumental... nothing- really- out of the ordinary has occurred in my life.

But in the last couple years, my heart has undergone a process of transformation and my eyes are been opened. It's been a beautiful and humbling experience.

I want to write about "it." I want to shout from the top of my lungs about all the amazing things I'm discovering! But that's where I'm finding myself stuck. Because it's not really about an "it" - there are just so.many.things!

I grew up Knowing God. Knowing Jesus. Believing the Bible- word for word.

Did I love Him?

Yes.

But was I in Love with Him? Of that, I really had no firm grasp. But what I did have, was the *want* to.

I knew it was possible. I'd heard other people talking about being so "in love" with Jesus. I'd maybe said it myself, hoping it was true. Because, after all- I did love Him- I did believe the Bible- I believed everything. But when it came straight down to it, I wasn't sure I loved and desired Him, as much as I knew was possible. I wanted to. But I didn't know how.

So, for a long time, I prayed for the desire... for the want to.

And here's the amazing thing about God. He listens. He answers prayers- and He always answers in the affirmative when prayers are asked that are according to His Will. I had to look no further than the Ten Commandments to know that it is certainly God's Will that I love Him, with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength.

"Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

So I asked. And I sought. I knocked- and He answered.

And it hasn't ended there. I've continued to seek... and He's continued to answer. And what amazes me, is that the more I seek, the greater the depths of my heart are opened... the more I've fallen in love, with this amazing, incomprehensible, God Almighty.

I'm finding myself in a place of true, honest, desire to read His word and spend time with Him. Not the kind of time where I check the box as "done." But the kind of time that I jump out of bed for. Though I've read the Bible in it's entirety several times, in the last 6 months, I feel like I'm reading it for the very first time. Words and ideas and revelation jumping off the pages... new insights straight after the other- seemingly line by line.

All I did was ask. "Help me, God, to want to know you more."  And in His immeasurable grace and love for me as His daughter, He answered.

You sometimes hear people say in real life relationships, "I didn't know what true love was till I found it." And sometimes you find that to be true for yourself.
I found it to be true in the most surprising real life relationship of all.

I'd like to be able to share some of these thoughts with you. Though sometimes I think I should just stick to posting random pictures of the kids. Perhaps a little of both? But sooner than later I hope to get my thoughts in order to be able to post more of what I'm been thinking about.  Thanks for sticking with me :)