Dating!

I've recently entered into a discussion with my husband about dating. Not 'dating' in regards to the two of us- (and certainly not in regards to dating other people- ha!~).... though we could certainly stand to have a conversation about our own dating life (or lack there of). With 5 kids, 2 jobs (1 of him, 1 for me), a "classroom" of 2 little minds to teach, a 3 year old female Dennis the Menace to corral, and a baby- we're left with little time for dating. But, I digress.

This isn't about us.

We've recently starting talking about dating because our oldest son, Mike's 15 year old, is naturally interested in girls and has recently begun talking about wanting to date. Now, when I say "date" - I do not mean that he's interested in picking up a girl, taking her to the movies and bringing her back home again. When I say "date"- I am referring to, in his words, "going out with a girl"- and when I ask him what that actually means, he tells me it means, "you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you hang out together at school, you talk on the phone & you make out." Okay. So, it pretty much means exactly what it did when I was 15. Just checking. And when I ask him, "what is the point of this?"- he tells me it's because when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you are way cooler at school- that "your status level is totally elevated" - and also, because it's just fun.

As a woman, who was once a 15 year old typical, insecure girl (aren't most at this age?), trying to navigate my path through this new found "grown up" world, I found that having a boyfriend in High School surpassed those surface expectations of "just hanging out" at school and talking on the phone. Once I was "in" - the feelings -and the heartbreak- ran much deeper. What I remember from my dating, and even college dating relationships, was not fun, romantic holding hands on the swing and a peck goodnight. Of course, it always starts out that way- but, at the same time- it almost always ends in unnecessary heartbreak. Now, I have to point out, two of my very best friends actually married their High School sweethearts and continue to live happily ever after. Beautiful stories! But they are quite the exception, rather than the norm.

So why do I let my mind automatically jump to the heartbreaks of dating, rather than the "fun?" Because I am  realist. Which leads me back to the dating discussions I've been having with my husband. He is an optimist. I don't know what happens in an adults mind between those span of years when you're a teen yourself and then a parent- but it seems to me that we have a tendency to flip our minds into Beaver Cleaver mode and start automatically believing in some unrealistic fairytale world where things are never quite as raw, real, hard & scary and always turn out better than they did for us as kids.  So we imagine a world where kids have innocent fun and no one gets hurt. I get it- I do. We want our kids to have better than we did... even if our teen years weren't all that bad. We always want better for our kids. No matter what. But in this situation, I feel like we're living in two different worlds- he's a little more "High School Musical" and I'm a little more "Cruel Intentions." Maybe neither of us is completely accurate - but let's just say we have different ideas on what actual "dating relationships" look like for High School kids these days.

When it comes to dating in regards to my own kids, I don't just want "better"- I want different. And believe me, it's not just about some unrealistic desire to shelter my kids from the "real world" or some hope to control their lives so they aren't able to figure it out on their own. Absolutely not. But I've never been interested in raising kids who are just able to "survive" in the real world, or kids who are able to just keep their heads above water and fit in. No thanks. I'd actually consider that one of my biggest fears- raising kids who "fit in." My greatest desire is to raise kids who are able to do things different, to live differently in confidence.

When it comes to dating, I don't want them to seek out a companion because it makes them look cool and it's just plain fun. That position seems self-centered. Nothing about it is looking out for their "dating partner" - or the person they "like." When a teen is young, and WELL before they are ready to be committed and start thinking about marriage, the dating starts because - I want a girlfriend, it makes me look cool, my status is elevated and I want to have fun making out. Those are just too many "self centered" pronouns as far as I'm concerned.

So, what am I suggesting? Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that, if I had my hearts desire, I would raise kids who were strong enough to resist peer pressure, who were thoughtful enough to think of the big picture and realize they are not ready to think about commitment and marriage as a teenager, selfless enough to think of others feelings before their own (i.e. "is my pleasure worth the expense of potential heartbreak for the person I have a crush on?"), secure enough in themselves not to feel the need for a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to earn a "status upgrade," confident enough in the realization that their worth and value is in not in how "cool" they are in the eyes of their peers, but that their value is priceless simply because they belong to Christ, and last- generous enough to choose to focus their teen years on serving God and others rather than being distracted with trying to fulfill some unrealistic vision about a relationship. And just like that one big run-on sentence - I realize that is one big lofty desire.

Now, I- myself- was a teen who considered absolutely none of those things I've listed above. I lived for myself because that's what I wanted to do, and frankly- that's what everyone else does in High School. So, what if my kids end up following in my shoes? Well, I will still love them more than life itself- nothing will ever change that- and I'll continue to hope and pray for them to have the bravery to choose different. to choose better.

Is it unrealistic to raise teens, or be a teen, who chooses not to date until they are an adult and actually ready to consider marriage? I'm not sure, but I'm certainly going to try. What's are your thoughts? Is it possible to be a teenager today and resist the pressure? Is it realistic, as a parent, to guide our kids to focus on service rather than self? I would love your input!